Have you ever said I’m Sorry?
And, how many times have you believed that you are owed an apology?
My clients come to me with the inability of letting go because they were never given an apology of what they think is owed to them. Which leads me to the topic of FORGIVENESS however my clients are so stuck with their belief that they need that apology before they can forgive. I ask, would an apology help dissolve the issue and help you move on?
Some may say yes but a lot of people say no because they believe that an apology are only words that many people don’t genuinely mean. I remember working with this girl who always said “Soz” as an apology, so one day I asked her why do you always say Soz it feels fake and her reply was “because it is, it’s easier to just to say the words and keep the peace.” But does it?
The words “I’m Sorry” is an acknowledgment that the other person has hurt you or made you unhappy in some way. It is a form of communication, when two people communicate one listens and the other one talks. When someone apologises the other person forgives them, that is the balance of life, like yin and Yang. So what happens when the other person doesn’t forgive?
There is potential that you can spiral downwards and begin to hold a grudge upon that person, but who suffers from that? You do, the one who’s holding the grudge it builds up like a radioactive lava eating away at you. So, you either demand another apology but how many I’M SORRY’s will it take for you to believe them and for you to let go? Or do you seek revenge.
The Million Dollar Question: What Is Forgiveness?
As you are watching TV, you see another mass shooting where high amounts of people have been killed and many more injured. There is one Mum who speaks out and her speech is that she forgives the person who killed her child. What is your reaction?
You may react by saying that person should pay for what they have done how can you forgive someone who has killed your child, it is an unforgivable act. Now is it an unforgivable act? If the Mum can forgive, why can’t you?
Let’s be clear - FORGIVENESS IS NOT ABOUT CONDONING ANOTHER’S ACTION OR FORGETTING. It’s about letting go of that resentment, that negative feeling and thoughts, to release the guilt you may blame yourself for, it’s about moving on and leaving the past in the past and learn from that experience. In A Course In Miracles forgiving is about healing where forgiving is an action to make amends for what is done wrong.
Forgiveness begins from within, with you. This took me a long time to accept but once I let go of the resentment I had against those who I believed did wrong by me, I was able to grow and move further into my self and spiritual development. Forgiveness is to help heal you, think about it.
When you accept an apology, you feel free a little bit lighter in your step. When you forgive yourself you also feel free. What do I mean by forgiving yourself?
It’s about releasing the negative emotion attached to a circumstance. For example, you have unintentionally hurt your friend and you have apologised for it and your friend forgave you however you still feel bad. Your friend is able to move on from it, but the guilt your harbouring prevents you from moving on. Could it be there is a deeper issue that you haven’t resolved or could it be that you feel terrible for upsetting the person you love. Forgiving comes from love because, if someone forgives in fear then it’s not true forgiveness it may be survival. Do you remember Julia Roberts starred in - Sleeping With The Enemy, forgiveness in this form comes from fear, mistrust and control.
When you begin to forgive yourself you will need to acknowledge that certain circumstances are out of your control and you can not keep punishing yourself for what happened in the past. When you forgive yourself first, forgiving others will become easier. We all have our issues, it’s how we face these issues that makes us stronger. When forgiveness enters your life dealing with your personal issues becomes freeing.
Ho’oponopono this is a Hawaiian Practice of reconciliation and Forgiveness. It is the practice of cleansing the “errors of thought” where the origin of problems and sickness in the physical world according to the Hawaiian worldview. Basically, it’s saying “ to put right; to put in order or shape; correct, revise, adjust, amend, regulate, arrange, rectify, tidy up, make orderly or neat.” This is great way to learn forgiveness. There are many people out there who blame themselves and they believe they can not make it right, this mantra is beautiful to help you heal.
My Life Coach encouraged that I try this, and the look I gave her was priceless, as i didn’t know how this mantra was going to help my relationship with my mother. As far as I was concerned my Mum was in the wrong. Why am I Sorry when she’s in the wrong, in fact she should be asking me for forgiveness. So I gave it a go and repeated this over and over again, however I wasn’t feeling any different and my mindset hasn’t changed. So, the next session with my Life Coach she explained that I had to feel it, now I found that to be difficult. Wouldn’t you agree that saying the words is easier? Now I have to adjust my emotions as well, it had become hard work but I was determined for a better life, so I gave it a go. Now this didn’t happen overnight, it did take a few weeks for me to repeat this mantra and through my meditation practice was able to “let go” and actually feel what these words are all about.
Forgiveness Vs Revenge
How does forgiveness work?
In order to forgive we need to own it and move on. Let’s say we don’t let go of hurt and pain, when our body and mind continually receives toxic shit in our lives we have to work hard to remove it, but what happens when it’s not removed?
It stays in your body and festers. Have you seen that horror movie The Grudge? Or even heard about the scorned woman? It stays with you until you are ready to let it go and sometimes you don’t therefore it can consume you.
Unlike our liver our mind can’t detoxify itself therefore we need to keep it clear through either meditation, yoga or other practices which helps you calm your mind.
When we receive a negative comment we tend to mirror that reaction with a negative action. For example, road rage, someone cuts you off, you scream and yell in your car and maybe flip the bird to the car in front. The car in front sees your gestures and decides to react by slamming on the breaks causing an accident by you rear ending the car that cut you off. Which then has a rolling effect that ruins your day.
What forgiveness does is help you to release those toxins from your soul, let’s have a look at that scenario in a different manner. A car cuts you off, you react by taking a deep breath be grateful that it didn’t cause an accident, and allow them on their way let it go and carry on with your journey.
Some of you may say “karma will get them” in the scheme of things karma may get them but over something that it is quite universally small, why would you waste your precious energy and time. Let’s have a look at the extended version of this story.
Your travelling in your car down the motorway, in the middle three lanes heading towards the city. In your side mirror you see a car coming down on your right with speed, they are forced to slow down because of the car in front of them, so you take the opportunity to look at that driver and see distress on their face. They finally get a little in front of you and they merge into your lane where you are forced to break, they then continue in your lane for a short while when they switch into the left lane, then they take the next exit which is for the main hospital.
Not everyone’s intention is aggressive or selfish or even towards you personally, sometimes there is a reason behind why people do the things that they have done. Remember there is a short version of the story and a long version of a story, you don’t know what’s going on in someone else’s life. So there is no point to remain angry towards the person, remove the negative emotion and move on.
Forgiveness without an apology.
There are a lot of viscous acts that has happened to people such as a person being molested or someone you love has been murdered and other acts you believe is unforgivable. However, some people are able to forgive and move on. Whether they find comfort in their spirituality/religion to help them get through these difficult times. On my Facebook Page - Together We’ll Journey I posted this video fo a mother forgiving the man who murdered her son, it is a very touching video.
Most of the time a victim or victim’s family won’t get the chance to see their attacker and nor will they hear an apology so how can you move on without closure?
Write it down and burn it and the universe will receive it, now does that work? I’ve tried it and yes it did give me a moment where I felt that my words have been heard, however I knew deep down that person has not heard it. Then I would watch movies like John Wick or Taken and fantasise about seeking revenge on those people.
So without plotting their deaths how else can you move on? This is when healing from within is important. In social behaviour, after a bad event a lot of people search for themselves spiritually, by reaching out to their closest church for guidance and it can give some people comfort where they can’t find it anywhere else.
This is when working on forgiveness with another person can be therapeutical.
It allows you to talk about how you are feeling and to get it off your chest, as the saying goes a problem shared is a problem halved. It helps you to forgive because the person listening can also play the role of that person.
Sometimes you just need to hear an apology and it doesn’t matter who it comes from. I remember when I spoke to my Life Coach after a break up, I was upset because I hadn’t heard from the guy I was seeing, he fell off the face of the earth and I couldn’t understand why? The first thing my Life Coach said was “I’m Sorry” my reaction “it’s not your fault” however it was comforting to hear those words even though it didn’t come from him. Which began the process of forgiving, what I later learned is that I have control of who’s emotions can affect me.
You are in control of your reaction and your feelings from another person. You know that one person who thinks it’s fun to “wind” you up, just to get a reaction from you, especially when you know damn well they’re doing it on purpose to get the reaction. What happens when you don’t respond to their childish pranks? They’ll keep trying but eventually they’ll get bored. You have the choice on how to react to a situation, unfortunately some people choose to feel sorrowful.
What is self-pity? It is excessive unhappiness that a person has chosen upon themselves. If they wanted to, that person can change they way they think so that they are not in suffering mode, however the downside is that they feel comfortable there. Weird isn’t it? So, when a guy breaks up with me, I choose to feel hurt and pain have a good cry and then move on. Forgive myself for feeling hurt and then I choose to begin changing my mindset so that I am not wallowing in my own self-pity, which I have done before in my past with the two infamous two words - Why Me!
So how do you apologise to yourself? Simply, just say the words to yourself. Find a mirror and say to yourself the Ho’oponopono saying or say “I’M SORRY”, let loose a few tears, wash your face and get living again. Remember forgiving is not about condoning another person actions or forgetting. If I were to see my ex, I won’t go up to him and say it’s ok you that you ghosted me - NO!! If I were to see him I would continue with what I am doing and feel comfortable being in his presence.
Forgive yourself - Take the time to heal
Meaning instead of sweeping it under the carpet per sae, allow your emotions develop and let them out, if you are angry go boxing or punch your pillow. If you need to cry then cry either way let out your emotions. Bottling up your emotions won’t do you any good all it will do is that it will build over time until you blow and that in itself can be catastrophic.
It’s ok to be emotional!
Do something for yourself
Surround yourself with purple Hyacinth’s and yellow roses, bring in plants and flowers as they help ground you spiritual self as Purple Hyacinth’s are healing flowers forgiveness. Yellow is the colour for forgiveness so bring yellow into your home and life. Get a cushion cover or blanket or maybe get yourself citrine crystal, not only are they a beautiful yellow but they develop a positive attitude and help to express yourself. Use essential oils as using the olfactory senses will help calm the mind, body and soul, DoTERRA has a beautiful oil blend called Forgive. I love this oil and diffuse it when I need some forgiving in my life.
Forgiveness is difficult to understand however once you do and use it in everyday life, you will find how your life becomes easier and learning to let go will remove any shackles that are holding you down. This is your life and you choose how you want to live it all I can say to you is choose love, forgiving is about letting go but not forgetting. You can’t go back in the past and change your life you can only learn from it and move on.